One of my most memorable experiences here in France was my attempt to describe meaning of the word ackward. How do you describe the character trait that most defines my life? I resigned to the explaination that I am akward because I do all of the things that I am not supposed to do in a social situation. They shook their heads in a simpathic but unknowing manner. I know that they have experienced my behaviour that demonstrates this abstract concept.
In my travels, new and novel environments, situations and language have provided many of my most akward moments of mis understanding. I wanted to share a few of these with you. Hopefully, you can gain a few laughs for all of the strange looks that I have recieved.
A few common occurances are certain to occur. One of the most frequent is the relationship between my crotch and any fluid. Whether I am attempting to consume, wash or carry liquids, they are guaranteed to land on or near my crotch at some point. Faucets gush forth in an attempt to leave the restraints of the sink to cover my pants. Droplets of coffee, juice or even water hold strong to the edge of their vessel until to prime moment that their flight will mark their success and my lack of cleanliness. The most embarrassing is the drop of a glass of liquid. Usually landing on the table, I am certain to recieve the majority of the spray from this missile of lapse in thought.
Sometimes, I am able to control the liquids but still succeed in making an ass of myself. In one of the oldest pubs in Belfast, Ireland, I order a beer. Of course it is my last day with the British Pound as currency so I pay for my beer with pocket change. (Do I leave an 87 pence tip or is this insulting?) This has me flustered so I look away from the bar and take in my surroundings. I look back to find a beer close enough to me but oddly misaligned. I sip and center before the bartender returns with my drink. "This is your beer." Of course. I slide my misalignment to the left and retreat to a booth hoping that no one saw my errant sip.
Comedy of size also takes president in a Europe created during an era of smaller stature. If there is a door way or stair well that needs to be crossed, I am certain to be standing directly in the path. Bathrooms provide enclosures where the door swings two inches from the lip of the toilet seat. I bumble and bang into walls as I try to navigate narrow passages. A bull in a China shop is another American saying that I attempt to explain to my hosts as a key trait.
Women provide my greatest source of idiot behavior. Female do not have to be attractive or interesting for me make an ass of my self but it helps. One of my greatest skills is the attempt to be a gentleman for one female while I step on the toes of five others. Errant thoughts are spoken at the wrong time as I attempt to look interested while thinking of the things that make me interesting. I have resigned to allow female sympathy to be the my most attractive attribute.
With each new adventure, you can be certain that I will be taking the wrong step, acting in the wrong way and breaking the wrong rules. This is a service that I provide for you the reader and the confused onlooker.
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